Cracks
by Barbed Wire Halo
Summary: Something can only crack so many times before it falls apart. James Diamond had been hurt so many times and he didn't how much more of it he could take. This story was written for Big time rush one shot day on the 6th February 2012.


Summary: Something can only crack so many times before it falls apart. James Diamond wasn't the carefree boy that people saw him as. He'd been hurt so many times, emotionally and physically. Cracks are beginning to show and he didn't know how much more of it he could take.

I walked through the lobby, ignoring the waves and smiles sent my way. I wanted nothing more than to lie down on my bed and cry. My girlfriend had just dumped me and I felt terrible. Normally I wouldn't cry if I was dumped but she was different. She was funny, pretty and sweet. I really liked her and I thought she liked me too. Guess I was wrong. She dropped me as soon as she realised that under the shiny exterior I was sad and hurt. She didn't want someone who wasn't perfect.

By now I was at the elevator so I got in and pushed the button for my floor. I must have zoned out because the doors suddenly opened with a ding, letting me know that I was on my floor. I walked down the hallway and into 2J.

When I walked into the room I share with Carlos, I saw that he was lying on the floor reading a helmet magazine. I collapsed on my bed and he turned to look at me.

"What's up James?"

"Sophie dumped me," I moaned.

"That sucks man. You aren't usually this mopey after a breakup though."

Why did Carlos have to choose now to be all mature?

"I really liked her."

He stood up and sat on the bed next to me. "You gonna be okay, bro?"

"Yeah, I'll get over it."

"Of course you will. You're James Diamond. You'll find someone else by the end of tomorrow."

Ouch. Is that really how my friends think of me?

Before I could reply Carlos walked out, leaving me alone.

I rolled onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow, letting the tears flow. I was crying not only for Sophie, but also because of the realisation that my friends also saw me as someone who didn't really care if he got dumped. Someone who would just go out and get a new girl. That hurt more than being dumped.

My phone suddenly rang, making me jump. I sat up, wiped my eyes and checked the caller ID. It was my mother.

"Hi Mum, what's up?"

"Have you been crying? You're so pathetic. Anyway; I just called to check up on you, make sure you weren't doing anything to disgrace the family name."

Of course, she couldn't call just to say hi, or because she missed her only son.

"It's not pathetic to show emotion, not that you would know that. And I wouldn't dream of doing anything to damage your precious reputation."

"James Diamond! How dare you speak to me like that? Do you have any idea how much I've done for you? Of course you don't, you don't care about anyone but yourself. You haven't changed at all since you moved to LA. You're still shallow, self-absorbed and worthless. I should have had an abortion; I would have done the whole world a favour."

I sat there shocked, listening to the dial tone. My mother had never been a nice person but she had never gone as far as to say she should have had an abortion. Suddenly a voice shocked me out of my thoughts.

"Carlos said that you were upset, so I came to check on you. Are you alright?"

I looked up to see Logan leaning against the doorframe. Wordlessly I shook my head, holding out my phone. He walked over and looked at the screen; it showed a picture of my mother and the words 'call ended'.

"Your mother called? What did she say?"

"She told me I was worthless and that she should have done the world a favour and had an abortion," I said sadly.

Logan looked shocked. "I'm sure she didn't mean it James."

"You didn't hear her, she meant every word."

"James, listen to me. You are a wonderful person. You're an amazing singer and everyone can see that you are great looking. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

I couldn't help but notice that everything Logan mentioned was purely physical. Apparently he didn't see anything beyond the perfect mask that I wear every day. Apparently I'm a better actor than I thought.

Logan stood up and spoke, "if you're okay Carlos and I are going to head down to the pool."

"Go ahead, I'll be fine."

He patted my shoulder twice before walking out.

I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. The whole day had been nothing but awful. I got dumped by a girl that I really liked, my mother insulted me and I found out what my friends really think of me. That shouldn't really have surprised me though, everyone thinks of me as a self-absorbed pretty boy. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother, it's not like anyone would notice if I disappeared.

I've thought about suicide before. The only thing stopping me was my friends but now even they think of me as nothing more than a worthless narcissist. Life is so pointless. You go through so much pain and trouble and then you die. It's just a matter of when and how.

I stood up and walked into the bathroom. I opened the cupboard above the sink and rifled through it. A small pill bottle caught my attention and I pulled it out and read the label.

"Do not take more than one every five hours. Perfect."

I slipped the bottle into my pocket and walked back to my room. I sat down on my bed before realising that I didn't have a glass of water to swallow the pills with. I headed out into the kitchen and got a glass out of the cupboard. I filled it and turned around just in time to see Kendall walk through the front door.

"Hey Kendall."

"Hey James, what's up?"

"Not much, you?"

"I'm hiding from Katie; she wants me to distract Mr Bitters so she can get into his office."

"You always help Katie with her schemes. What makes this one any different?"

"She was holding a pink dress and a pair of heels. I'm staying as far away as possible."

"Okay. I'm gonna go chill in my room now."

"Cool, later bro."

I walked across the room and started down the hallway before Kendall called me back.

"James, you dropped these." He read the label and looked up at me, "why do you have these? These are the pills we got for Katie when she broke her wrist."

"Oh, um…"

"James? What's going on?"

He looked from the bottle to my face and then at the glass of water in my hand. I could tell when he understood by the way his face changed.

"Jay, why?"

"Kendall, I…"

"Come here man."

I walked over to him and he pulled me down onto the couch.

"James, I know life doesn't always seem worth it but this isn't the way to deal with it."

"How would you know?"

He looked down before answering, "You remember when my dad left when we were thirteen?"

He waited for me to nod before continuing.

"He used to go out and get drunk every day and he would come home and hit me. He told us that we were a waste of time and that he wished that Katie and I had never been born. One day we came home and all of his stuff was gone. "

He pulled off the yarn bracelets and rubber bands that encircled his left wrist. He held it up for me to look at. I was shocked, it was covered in scars.

"I became depressed and began cutting about a month later. When we were fourteen I spent a week in hospital after trying to kill myself. Look at everything I would have missed out on if I'd succeeded. Take it from someone who knows James, it isn't worth it."

"Kendall, why didn't you tell us?"

"Why didn't you?"

"I just… I didn't know how."

"Exactly."

I looked at Kendall to see his eyes filled with tears.

"Jay, promise me that you will come and talk to me if you ever feel like this again."

"I will."

He pulled me into a hug.

"Thank you Kenny."


End file.
